Finding the Light

I was watching a documentary about cults earlier this week and as I watched one of the cult leaders give her vitriolic hate speeches, I was trying to find her love. I was searching for my empathy, believing that we're all doing our best given our circumstances, and knowing that there was a light shining somewhere deep inside of her. Hearing her talk about how much violence "God" wanted her to perpetrate onto the world, it was quite a challenge for me. But I didn't give up on her.

After the documentary was over, I still hadn't found her inner goodness, but I also hadn't given up my search. I knew it had to be there, I just wasn't seeing it yet.

I recognized something very important. And this is that my first instinct was to label her and her actions as 'wrong'. But since I know that reality is always right, I dug deeper. I wasn't going to be satisfied to hide from this problem under a veil of judgmental condemnation.

This morning, two days later, this thought was given to me, "Those that need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways."

And then it became clear to me. Of course she was asking for love in the only way she knew how. She was terrified and desperate and maybe she was raised in a violent atmosphere and not given a whole lot of love. She was acting out as the frightened child, asking for love and acceptance the only way she knew how. Unfortunately, she was now presenting such a frightful version of herself that she is perpetuating a love-free environment for herself.

What she needs is a shift from fear to love. If she could let down her guard and truly ask for love, she'd be free of those demons. She hasn't been taught that. She's doing the best she can do in her circumstances. She needs someone to hold her hand, give her a hug, tell her she's OK and sit with her.

It would have been so easy to disregard her as 'evil' or 'bad', but I don't believe that is being honest. It would be more accurate to see her as 'broken' or 'lacking in tools/skills'. Seeing her this way makes me want to help her rather than condemn her.

And in fact, the only true 'evil' in this scenario would be my deciding to label her as such, when she's just a frightened, naive child inside.

And then I realized that whatever I saw in her was a reflection of myself. I am working toward uncovering the light inside of me from my material and emotional attachment and ego and denial. The degree to which I am able to live as light, is the exact same degree to which I am able to see hers.  And yours.  If I can't see it, it's because I'm hiding mine.

If my light were completely uncovered, I would have seen hers right away. But the struggle I went through to truly see her spirit, is indicative of the degree to which I'm still struggling with the freedom of my own.

I'm now truly excited for this discovery. I realize now that every person I find myself having these kinds of thoughts against, is actually an opportunity for me to examine, measure and improve my own ability to be unattached and honest about the nature of reality.