Goober Patrol

two tables at a restaurant. two CUSTOMERS are seated at one table and a WOMAN is seated at another table, waiting for her blind date to show up.  He’s late.

 DINA: You're a contrarian.

 DANNY: No, I'm not.

 DINA: Well you gainsay everything.

 DANNY: No, I don't. You're just being a bitch.

 DINA stands up, throws her napkin down on the table and storms out, leaving her date alone.

WAITER (has seen this and stops her as she's leaving): Do you want me to call the PC Warden?

DINA: Yes!

WAITER: Yes, ma'am.  (turning to the WOMAN at the other table) And how about you, you've been sitting here for twenty minutes. Do you think you're FINALLY ready to order?!

WOMAN:  No, not yet, sorry.

WAITER storms off in a snooty huff.

In the meantime, a MAN enters with another official-looking man following close behind. They approach the other table.

MAN (to her): Are you Stacy?

WOMAN: Yes, David?

MAN: Yes, Hi. Have you been waiting long?

WOMAN: (lying) No….

The MAN sits at the table while the OFFICER stands behind him.

MAN: Sorry I'm late but there was a gnarly accident on the highway and traffic was a (fucking) nightmare.

As he’s uttering the curse word, the OFFICER calls out the word “goober” and drowns out just that word.

The WOMAN looks puzzled

MAN: Oh yeah. Sorry about that. That’s the Goober Patrol. He’s been assigned to me for two months. Last week I got caught using an offensive word and I was fined for it. They said, instead of paying the fine or doing jail time I could let this PC Warden follow me around and censor me. He’s an (idiot).

OFFICER: (over idiot) Goober.

WOMAN: I see….

MAN: (to the OFFICER) What?  I can’t say idiot? 

OFFICER: No, sir. That’s a derogatory term for someone with a mental disability and it implies that unintelligent people less valuable as a human when you use it to insult someone. 

MAN: (shit!)

OFFICER: (over shit) goober!

WOMAN: So this guy goes wherever you go?  You can’t lose him?

MAN: No, unfortunately. If I get separated from him I have to pay double the fine. It's only for seven more weeks though. You get used to it, but at first it totally (sucks)

OFFICER: (over sucks) goober!

MAN: (to the OFFICER incredulous) What?! What’s wrong with (sucks)

OFFICER: (over sucks) goober!  That word implies a lewd sexual act and is not appropriate in mixed company or formal settings. It also puts th--

MAN: Well that blows.

OFFICER: (a bit late) irks me

WOMAN: (to officer) What did you say? 

OFFICER: Irks me. Irks is a verb that means bothers or annoys. It’s a good substitute for sexually charged words that are considered violent against women. 

WOMAN: Wait. I don’t feel violated when he says something sucks. And I know that it refers to… Well I know what it refers to, but I don’t feel like it’s violent

OFFICER: It propagates rape culture by putting a negative connotation on a sexual act and implies the receiver is better than the giver, when in fact, many people “suck” and do it by choice and enjoy it.  

WOMAN: Wow

MAN: Let’s just ignore him. He’s an (asshole.)

OFFICER: (over asshole) goober 

MAN: Oh my (God)

OFFICER: (over God) goober!

MAN: God is a bad word?

OFFICER Yes, well It’s bad when used as an expletive. Using it in a curse shows insensitivity to spiritual culture by treating their sovereign beings as something negative.

MAN: OK...(to woman) let’s just ignore him. So. You’re into skiing, huh? I love skiing. Snow or water? haha

WOMAN: Snow. I’ve never tried water skiing, but I’d love to try it some day.

WAITER approaches

WAITER: Good evening. I’m Stephon, and I’ll be your server tonight. Our special is a delicious rack of lamb with roasted root vegetables and cous cous. Can I start you with something to drink?

MAN: (to WOMAN) Would you like something?

WOMAN:  I’ll have a glass of white wine, please. 

MAN: And I’ll have an IPA. 

WAITER: Great, I’ll get those right away. Do you know what you’ll be eating tonight or do you need some more time to decide?

MAN: I just got here. Please give us a little time.

The waiter huffs and rushes off. 

MAN: What a (dick)

OFFICER: (over dick) goober

MAN: (tool)

OFFICER: (over tool) goober

MAN: (asshole)

OFFICER: (over asshole) goober!!

MAN (damnit!)

OFFICER: (over Damnit) goober

WOMAN: Wow, he’s good.

 During this next speech, OFFICER #2 enters with DINA and they overhear as they approach the first table.

MAN: No he's not. He's (fucking) annoying. He follows me everywhere and is destroying my social life and embarrassing me. So what if people can't handle my colorful language, they just need to grow some (balls) and this guy needs to shut the (fuck) up.

OFFICER: Goober! (over each parenthetical word)

DINA: (entering with OFFICER #2 and indicating DANNY) There he is, officer.  He's insensitive to my rights as a female. He's been mansplaining all night and he called me a ... (looking tentatively at both officers) ... a (bitch).

OFFICER #1: Goober!

OFFICER #2: (to OFFICER #1) What did you just say?!

OFFICER #1: Goober.

OFFICER #2: (over goober) Mayonnaise! (Or any word starting with M).

Everyone looks surprised at OFFCER #2.

OFFICER #2: Don't you know that the word goober is offensive to peanuts and peanut farmers and people who like peanuts?  It is a derogatory word and using it implies that the peanut is an inferior nut. We are trying to create a safe environment for all types of people in this restaurant so you should choose another word that isn't so offensive

DANNY: Peanuts are a legume, not a nut.

OFFICER #2: Shut the fuck up.







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