Saturday, August 13, 2016

Caca on my Kicks

On River's walk this morning in Cedar Rapids, I trod in some dog poop. Luckily it was a healthy dog, so it didn't smell too bad and it wasn't runny. But it was significant coverage and, you know Vans, there's a big diamond shape tread that captures dirt.

So I did the best I could to walk on long grass and twist on gravel and do all of the things that could dislodge the diamonds of dung. I managed to scrape off most of the surface scat, but the crap that was crammed in the tread was in there pretty good. So I had to be careful to remove my shoes at every door I entered, including my car door.

I did that all day. I stopped at gas stations and rest areas and tried to dislodge what doo-doo I could. And before getting back in the car, I'd bang the shoes together to loosen more stool.

I fantasized about having an old toothbrush to quickly forage out the fecal matter. But I only had my own. It was old, but I didn't have a replacement for it, yet. I also wished I had my hose nozzle from home. I've used that before and the high water pressure really does a number on that number two.

But without those options, I was left with finding sand and gravel to grind in, or a small puddle to lightly splash in, in hopes of unturding my treads. I crossed over a bridge into Illinois, exporting the excrement from Iowa, now becoming a federal case.

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I also crossed over another bridge a bit later. Keep in mind, as you watch this that I'm sportin ordure.
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I stopped in Danville, just before passing from Illinois into Indiana, and had a burger at Gross Burgers. I washed my hands before eating, just in case you were worried. Read about the burger here. 

And then, as I drove deeper and deeper into Indiana, the sky got darker and the rain got heavier. By the time I was checking in at Motel 6 in Indianapolis, there were puddles everywhere. I was careful to remove my waste-covered shoes at the door each time before entering, and it took me a few trips to get everything (and everyone) from the car into the room. On one of my final trips, I happened to notice a toothbrush on the ground that looked a lot like... exactly like... hey why is my toothbrush lying in a disgusting mucky puddle in the motel parking lot?!

But I was instantly delighted. Another incidence of "Be Careful What You Wish For". I had been mulling over how to remove the manure from my shiny Vans, and wasn't sure how I could do it without making a huge sewage-scented mess.  But upon seeing that my toothbrush had been ruined, I smiled and said "Oh Cool" and picked it up to use on my shoes.

The first thing I did in the motel room was to scrape the droppings off my shoes with the toothbrush and then wipe everything off and of course throw the toothbrush away.

Rest assured that I am settled into Indianapolis, entirely filth-free.

Speaking of Indianapolis, I discovered this last night when I asked Siri for driving directions to Indianapolis, he responded by saying "Getting directions to Indianapolis Siribalance." Over and over, he added that strange word "siribalance'.  He didn't add it if I asked for directions to Chicago or Toledo. I have no idea what it means.

If you ask your iPhone for "Driving directions to Indianapolis" what answer do you get?


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